ONCE A MINISTER WHILE GIVING SPEECH SAID ' The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'
The crowd got shocked.
He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!' The crowd burst into laughter.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the speech decided to use the same joke in his speech he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!' after that he forgot the second line of the joke.
After standing there for almost 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, he said '...and I can't remember who she was!
'Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store and finds it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and both were busy talking to each other & went for a ride.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?
"She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?""Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and went for a ride with her.""Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
Family: Father and Mother, I love you!Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.
He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate, and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four wives with me, but when die, and I’ll be all alone.' Thus, he asked the 4th wife, 'I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!' replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!” replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!” replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only send you to your grave.' Her answer came like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was so skinny and pitiful, as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives: Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status, and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power, and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. So cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us who will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.
When the world pushes you to your knees...... You're in the perfect position to pray. Have a good day! Think about this...
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days? But the family we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? And we often treat strangers and co-workers better than members of our family.
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other, (I), (L)OVE, (Y)OU
To: All Employees
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
